Thursday, December 30, 2010

Disgruntled Employees Cost More Than These Darn T-Shirts

Dex here. I hate not getting paid. The bar stopped honoring the drink coupons. So no more free lunches at the Come On Inn. The boss hasn't been seen or heard from since boarding a train in Nepal. And we've only sold eleven units. -jk. The number is actually closer to 17,000. In fact, statistically speaking, if you look out your window right now in select cities in New York and Ohio, every male between the ages of 21 and 35 will be wearing one of our hip conversation starters, a provactive Slamtees T-shirt.

It's safe to say, when the boss vanishes in the Himalayas and your last conversation with him about payment includes the phrase "calling card credits" employee morale suffers. It's been raining all day. The custom sunroof on my Ford Fiesta leaks. And I'm struggling with the realization that I now spend less time doing what I was hired to do, more time doing things I'm not getting paid for, and the remainder worrying if I'll ever get paid for what's already been done!

I'm so fed up with these pro-bono assignments that I'm seriously considering handing off this blog. I already subcontracted my Twitter responsibilities to a homeless guy. I found him at the library. He's got access to free internet all day. He says he's an inventor, or at least he used to be. In fact, he says the word "inventionaire" first appeared on his personal business cards in 1963. I told him I'd never heard of it. He said, "Of course not," on account of my being too young. Inventionaire or not, I figure he can tweet.

Correction: Contrary to the claim of yesterday's guest on Tyra, the word "yeppers" was coined in the fall of 1987 by an up-n-coming slacker named Raj. I know this because I was there. It was late, and we were arguing over the last square of Pino's pizza. Raj had just reached for his third can of soda when B.K. scolded him. "You really gonna down three Dr. Peppers?" to which Raj rhymed, "Yeppers!" It happened just like that, in a partially finished basement in Loves Park, Illinois some ten years before "lifecasting" pioneer Tyler was even born. As for other examples of Tylerese (like "awesomelicious" and "yola") I have no idea.

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