Friday, December 31, 2010

Talk to the money guy

"Talk to the money guy." That's all his email said. My boss throws
his Blackberry into the Ganges, cancels his email account, saddles a
Nepalese mule and casts himself into the Himalayas. In his only
communication since, you'd think he might try to reassure me about the
pay situation, namely that I still haven't gotten any. You'd think
he'd see the sales numbers and thank me for my tireless dedication.
You'd think he'd at least tell me where he is. Nope. Just "Talk to
the money guy."

Just before getting on the plane last month, the boss slipped me a
crumpled business card and whispered cryptically, "You'll know when,"
then turned and boarded. Now in front of me, the card is quite plain.
Just a local phone number, the name NICK JAMES, and below that his
title of DRIVER. Up top in parentheses my boss has scribbled "Money

You'd think the international accountant slash order processor slash blogger, which is me, would be considered the Money Guy. Guess not. Maybe this guy
is gonna pay me. Finally!

On the phone, he is short, suspicious of me. In the background I can
hear cartoons. Bravestarr, I think. After a long pause, he asks what
the problem is. I tell him I don't know, the boss just told me to
contact the Money Guy. "Ohhhhhhh," he says like Archimedes in a
jacuzzi, "you have to sell everything by 2011." Why? "Because that's
when the laws change." What laws? "Never mind that. Hey, aren't you
the guy with drink coupons for me?"

I told him about the situation at the Come On Inn (the bartender no
longer honoring the coupons) and the fact that I had actually been
hoping that he, the Money Guy, might be able to get me compensated for
my past, present, and continuing services. When it was finally agreed
that neither of us had any money for the other, he asked me for a ride
to the bar. But aren't you the driver? I asked. He hung up.

I didn't get a chance to tell him about Dex's Hurry-Up-2011 Sale. From now until 11:11am on 1-1-2011 you
can get the most talked about WIKILEAKS T-shirt on the net for 11% off
with FREE SHIPPING. Act now! Slamtees: pissing Dex off task after task at a time!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Disgruntled Employees Cost More Than These Darn T-Shirts

Dex here. I hate not getting paid. The bar stopped honoring the drink coupons. So no more free lunches at the Come On Inn. The boss hasn't been seen or heard from since boarding a train in Nepal. And we've only sold eleven units. -jk. The number is actually closer to 17,000. In fact, statistically speaking, if you look out your window right now in select cities in New York and Ohio, every male between the ages of 21 and 35 will be wearing one of our hip conversation starters, a provactive Slamtees T-shirt.

It's safe to say, when the boss vanishes in the Himalayas and your last conversation with him about payment includes the phrase "calling card credits" employee morale suffers. It's been raining all day. The custom sunroof on my Ford Fiesta leaks. And I'm struggling with the realization that I now spend less time doing what I was hired to do, more time doing things I'm not getting paid for, and the remainder worrying if I'll ever get paid for what's already been done!

I'm so fed up with these pro-bono assignments that I'm seriously considering handing off this blog. I already subcontracted my Twitter responsibilities to a homeless guy. I found him at the library. He's got access to free internet all day. He says he's an inventor, or at least he used to be. In fact, he says the word "inventionaire" first appeared on his personal business cards in 1963. I told him I'd never heard of it. He said, "Of course not," on account of my being too young. Inventionaire or not, I figure he can tweet.

Correction: Contrary to the claim of yesterday's guest on Tyra, the word "yeppers" was coined in the fall of 1987 by an up-n-coming slacker named Raj. I know this because I was there. It was late, and we were arguing over the last square of Pino's pizza. Raj had just reached for his third can of soda when B.K. scolded him. "You really gonna down three Dr. Peppers?" to which Raj rhymed, "Yeppers!" It happened just like that, in a partially finished basement in Loves Park, Illinois some ten years before "lifecasting" pioneer Tyler was even born. As for other examples of Tylerese (like "awesomelicious" and "yola") I have no idea.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Volume I: The Beginning

My name is Edgar Allen Poindexter, but everybody calls me Dex.  I am the accountant here at Slamtees.  Not an Enron type of accountant, more like a lemonade stand type.  If you called me a glorified order processor, I wouldn't disagree.  Just don't tell my mom.  She thinks I'm successful. 

But, unless you consider getting paid with coupon books and old calling cards to be successful, I am not.  Truth is---thanks to a traumatic incident involving me, a hand-me-down T-shirt three sizes too big, and my neighbor's swimming pool filter---I don't even wear T-shirts.  Haven't since the fifth grade.  So why me?

Somehow, in the spirit of doing more with less, the boss here at Slamtees decided to make me, a lowly order processor, into the official blogger.  When I pointed out my lack of journalistic qualifications and the probable extinction of my spare time, he chuckled, "It's only a blog!" 

My assignment then, as I understand it, is to keep you, our ever-expanding customer base, updated with info about the launch of our upcoming website, which will include the full catalog of our shockingly inappropriate yet undeniably witty T-shirts.

Because of the controversy generated here in the U.S. by Slamtees' early T-shirt designs, the operation was moved overseas. Last I heard, the boss had finally met up with his new artistic supervisor outside a small market somewhere in Nepal.  The two were planning to collaborate on new ideas, the boss generating hilarous text concepts and this new guy creating provocative artwork for our newest line of in-your-face T-shirts. 

When I later inquired about the obvious---website development and hosting arrangements---the boss brushed me off.  He assured me that the new site was in the works and would be up and taking orders in no time.  Then he abruptly hung up.  His subsequent email was truncated, and my attempt to reply was sent back as "undeliverable". 

Fortunately, I was able to retrieve most of the transmission which outlined his newest idea.  However, without explicit instructions regarding its final design and selling price, I decided to "leak" to the deserving public and our dedicated customers the newest Slamtees T-shirt design. 

Now available for purchase, and selling like hot state secrets, is our famed WIKILEAKS T-shirt.  Stay tuned for more updates.  Dex out.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Airplanes Are Nasty People!

Airplanes are nasty people! When you think about the average flight carrying some 150+ people its easy to see how germs and sickness are easily spread. But let's look closely at some of the nasty, vile and just plain disgusting things people do on and to airplanes.

Blowing your nose and coughing!
Look we're all human and blowing your nose and coughing is an involuntary human reaction. But you nasty people need to learn that there's people in these tight quarters with your sneezy butt! If you sneeze or cough use the fold of your arm. At the very least use your left hand!

This is just nasty to the highest of nastivity! People if I see you lay your snack on the tray and then pop in your mouth I'm going slap the pissant out of you! Did you not hear me say that some 150+ come through an airplane at a time and with the average plane flying to 2-4 locations per day you're setting yourself up for some serious viruses. That's like you going to a restaurant and telling them to just throw your steak on the table!

Seat backs!
Reach in there if you'd like and you'll be setting west nile, SARS and Swine Flu in motion. Just think of what they have in there. A safety manual, a couple magazines where they try to get you to buy and a barf bad! Its been said that reaching in to a seat back is the equivalent of grabbing someone's snotty tissues?

Onboard Lavatory
That's a putting it nice. Venture in to the "Onboard Lavatory," and I have four words for you: Death Comes To You!

Flight Attendants
Flight Attendants may look the part, but there's always that element of hey...this person travels from city to city, I wonder what their doing when they're gone? If you're inclined to fly the friendly pants of a Flight Attendant strap up and pray the prayer of healing cuz you don't know what you've just exposed yourself to? Happy flying y'all!
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Monday, December 13, 2010

Official "Wikileaks Shirt" Prelaunch Details!

Well its time for those details I was referring to about our upcoming launch!  We have decided to launch our BRAND NEW one-of-a-kind design EARLY to all the great folks following us on social media!  Get your orders in before your neighbor does and be the first guy on the block rockin the "Anonymously Leaked Wikileaks T-Shirt"!  It is available in Black, Grey, or White in sizes S-XXXL!  The entire world is talking about Wikileaks!  Now they'll talk about you!  Order yours now!  Only $20! FREE SHIPPING! Order yours below via Paypal!


Welcome all!

Hello loyal fans/followers/twitterers/supporters!

We have chosen to establish this blog as our official "Hub" for now as our we get our official website built and launched!  If you follow us on Twitter or Facebook, you probably know who we are all too well.  For those of you who are new to Slamtees, we are the best up and coming T-Shirt site on the internets you've never heard of...until NOW that is.  We specialize in creating humorous shirts for your wearing pleasure.  Our shirts are scientifically proven* to make your pants look 500% nicer and your general appearance 1000% more appealing.  Our shirts break the ice and start the conversation so you don't have to!  Pick one of our unique shirts up today and watch the magic unfold next time you are out at a party or out with friends!  Every day at Slamtees we walk into work through the exit door saying "hello"...Thats just a testament to the fact that we do things differently here and you won't find creativity or cunning like this ANYwhere else on the web!  And for all of you who are looking to get involved more and support our unique skills, we are running a contest right now on our Facebook fan page, top prize includes a free shirt and $100!  Check it out for yourself!  Also, feel free to tweet with us and get some better insights into who we are, how we operate, and what makes us tick!  We will soon be going live with a brand new, one-of-a-kind, groundbreaking shirt for your wearing pleasure!  Thanks for checking us out and we look forward to getting to know you all and making you laugh in the future!


*not actually scientifically proven