Thursday, January 13, 2011

De Facto Chief Decider - Dex

So our big year-end sale was supposed to be called the "Hurry Up 2011 Sale" offering an 11% discount. Turns out the text read "Hurry Up 2011% OFF Sale". Now everyone wants a free t-shirt! I even got a call from a guy claiming to be a lawyer. He threatened to sue if we don't send his client a provacative Slamtees T-shirt along with a check for $382.20. But he'd settle for just a shirt. After all, he acknowledged, it DOES start conversations. He demanded to speak with the owner who, unfortunately, is still missing. As de facto Chief Decider here at Slamtees, I have a responsibility to make certain difficult decisions. As the company's order processor, I have an unspoken latitude in handling its shipping policies. As a professional accountant, I practically have an obligation to lie. So I told Mr. Laywer to expect a $382.20 check along with a free T-shirt. And checks they shall receive---all dated December 1st, 2010 and stamped "Not Valid After 30 Days".

However, in addition to uncashable checks, I decided to send out complimentary t-shirts to everyone screaming false advertising. In fact, right now in cities across the country, statistically speaking, not only is everyone aged 18-35 wearing a Slamtees T-shirt, but they're also carrying one in each hand!

In a related email testimonial, a satisfied customer described how his new WikiLeaks T-shirt, which he'd worn proudly to a New Year's Eve party, ended up provoking the entire crowd! A rash of independent thinking broke out. Casual conversations became spirited discussions as core beliefs were called into question. Ethical rhetoric escalated and the timid ducked behind legalese. Paramedics had to be called in. By the time it ended, several guests were being treated for exhaustion and dehydration. The retirement home would never be the same.

WARNING: our shirts start conversations!

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